It takes time...

What better way to return to blogging/blogwording than a post accreditted to my recent journey - indeed a journey of a lifetime. Before you scroll your mouse over, to close the window coz you think this is just one of those moment by moment details about hajj, I urge you to take a moment to read this post and think of ways our lives are enriched by others and how we can enrich others' lives.

As most of you know, I went for hajj recently. The last time I ventured out to Mecca was when I was 7. My memory fails me each time I try to recall it, there's very little that I remember from that visit.

For the longest time, my tummy would give me butterflies each time I saw pilgrims circulating the ka'aba on tv. Be it during the videos of taraweeh during ramadan or just random frames in people's homes, my heart would thud out a silent prayer wanting to trod on the land that my favorite man walked upon - peace be upon him.

Hajj has been on the plate for Imo n I for quite some time. Each year, we'd plan to go but somehow or the other circumstances just didnt allow us to. Either we werent settled in or finance was tight or i was pregnant or eesa was too young etc etc etc! When the opportunity arose this time around, I was super reluctant coz of Eeesa. I didn't want to leave him behind. I dont have the words to describe the turmoil my soul was in. It was crazy... i was going insane. I really really wanted to go, but I wanted to be with Eesa and Imo. The possibility of going later on was on the table but that would mean that I would possibly never get the chance to do it with my parents. Or if I left it till later, I may possible never ever get to go. It was the possibility of simply NEVER ever being able to do it that had me going. I could put it off until tommorow, but who knew if I'd live till tonight? And having said so, if I could die tonight, there would be means to ensure Eesa's welfare tommorow. So if those means exist tommrow, why don't they exist today? My hajj started the day I realized that the means exist today but I live enchained to the world.

I left for pakistan three days later, hoping to apply for a visa two days later from India. I stayed in Pak for two weeks before getting my visa. The two weeks were crazy stressful, with the doubts surrounding everything... would i or wouldnt i be able to go? SubhanAllah i was convinced i'd get the reward nonetheless, so i wasnt too worried. just was missing eesa n Imo like crazy.

Stepping into Mecca was enthralling. It's simply mesmerizing watching millions of muslims, enshrouded in white, teary eyed encircling the kaba in submission to their Creator, seeking His forgiveness.. I think nothing moved me more than the simplicity of Hajj. I remember atleast one occassion everyday where I'd point out to myself how glorious the women looked without makeup or brand named junk. There was no issue of status. Everyone was the same, present for the same purpose - His pleasure.

I think that was the biggest irony of this entire trip - the fact that each and every person that was present, was present without any physical invitation. Each of them chose to give up their daily comforts, spend out of their wealth and dressed in shrouds that they would be buried in, JUST for the sake of their Creator. Materialistically speaking they were getting nothing out of this journey - infact they were at a "loss"! Yet, year after year, people choose to set forth on this journey for the sake of Allah swt.

Staying the days at mina, i was constantly aware of how blessed and privileged a life we live. There were moments where the chill from the cool desert air would make it impossible for us to sleep and so we'd have to cuddle together, taking turns sleeping on each others arms and legs to keep them warm. When I lay my head to rest at night and the ground felt hard in mina, I was scared. I was scared for the ungratefulness that spurts out of privilege around me. For the first time in my life, I realized and was truly grateful for everything I had.

I remember countless occassions in my life where I thanked Allah. But they were big things - a great husband, great family blah blah. I realized the significance of the seemingly insignificant things. Somewhere during Mina, my awareness intensified. My entire hajj was suddenly a focus on how skewed up my perspectives in my daily life is. I was constantly reminded of it. It was as though Allah would throw lil things my way to remind me of one more thing I had that I didn't value. It was in Mina that I came to realize how absolutely petty my issues and worries are. How absolutely selfish my ikhlaaq with others is. How calculated my spendings in charity are. How outrageously materialistic my needs are.

Mecca is where I found my life. Mina is where my life changed.

Mecca is where I found the purpose of my life. Mina is where the application of this purpose was.

I walked into mecca praying for ease in my life. I walked out of Mina with the conviction that ease is all I have, the complication is merely my perspectives. I walked out of Mina with the worry that maybe, it's all too easy! As cliche as it sounds, I realized the pains of people's sufferings in Mina.

Most people scare you that hajj is tough. As long as your mind is prepared for it, hajj is easy. I had vowed to perform hajj without complaint and with complete endurance. And praise be to Allah, He made it so easy. I rarely had a chance to complain or endure. Infact I feel that when I recall stories, I sound like someone who went through hardship, when infact I really didnt. Every single thing, every act was within our stride.. Infact, after the five days were over, Nayma and I were shocked that it was over... it seemed too easy to be hajj. If, before hajj, someone asked me to do those same things I wouldn't be able to handle it.

I constantly made sure I was aware of myself during hajj. I wanted to ensure that if were I to feel any hardship from human beings, I would go back and take measures to remove those traits from myself. In the end, when hajj was over, I vowed to inculcate within me one thing. Ihsaas - the feeling, the awareness. The feeling for others' pain, compassion for others' needs. I wanted to take back with me conscience. I wanted to stop living unaccountable for my actions. I want to have the ihsaas, the pain of someone else when I hurt them. I made dua'a that Allah swt reminds me when my actions mean that I may be stepping on someone elses foot to get that lil privilege and to keep my heart forever aware of my body's actions.

Above everything, I vowed to change my ikhlaaq with this ihsaas. I want my existence to be a means of ease for someone elses burdens. Be it at work, at home, with clients, colleagues, with friends, family, inlaws or strangers. I want to know that my hands and tongues dont cause harm to others. instead I want these to be the tools for my jannah. I always envied Imran's ikhlaaq, how he's always so respectful towards his family and elders, how he goes out of his way to show others respect and value, how when others are ashamed to be seen hanging out with their parents he loves hanging out with his dad (to the craziness that their desks at work are right next to each others' as well!), how his aunts totally dote over him and literally beg for him to spend an extra 5 minutes with them, how his family and circle of friends can count on him to be there or feel comfortable enough to have him be the first person to call (even before they'd call their brother or parents - sorry j, had to mention this!) coz they know he'd go out of his way to help them out. I would always tell him to learn how to say 'no' and do what you want to do instead. I feel crazy just thinking abt it. It's not like we already don't have enough reasons to strive for hasanah, but when the opportunity strikes we still seek to turn it away. I dont mean that we shouldnt have a mind of our own, just that as long as it doesnt take away someone else's rights or your obligations towards others can be fulfilled or accomadated, I want us both to go out of our way and help others. Sometimes it costs money. Sometimes it costs time. But my time and my wealth are both a loan from Allah swt anyway. InshaAllah from now on, I want us to accomodate our needs so both of us can work to attain jannah. ameen

At the end of it all, I want to remember Allah's words in surah rahman where He asks mankind if there is a reward for good deeds, except for good deeds? (hal jazaul ihsaan ilal ihsaan). Allah swt doesnt promise the return of this Goodness from the same person. We tend to do good deeds hoping for a return of favor from the same person. As my good friend S says, we keep looking for that fairness in life. But no one has promised fairness in this life. He's only promised justice, but that too in the Hereafter. And i NEED that reward from Allah swt, if not through the same person then through someone else. If not in this life, then in the next. I just want Allah swt to keep my perspective straight - ALL the time!

Ive gone all over in this post. I've had so much going on in my head and was hesitant about blogging in fear of being unable to express myself or being incoherent. Well, I've gone ahead and done just that! Im sorry if i came off all preach-y, but this blog is something i refer back to in time and I really wanted to be reminded of my lessons from hajj over and over again. InshaAllah.

Oh and one mor ething.... I got a haircut =)