Blogword: Enough..

When is enough?
Warning: its a random rambling post


Last night, despite shipment and communication delays from IBM, Imo0o & I left for Montreal. We had a good 5-6 hours worth of journey to ourselves, Eesa being at his grandma's for the duration of this semi-vacation for us.

During this journey, Imo0o and I got a chance to do alot of talking and bonding Alhamdolillah. For those of you who have kids, you know how tough it is to spare time to just sit and talk - the proper quality bonding talk! Alhamdolillah, lately we've been taking alot of time to do alot of introspection and realignment of our goals and personality.

So while waiting for Montreal to arrive, and amidst our intensive conversations, Imo randomly asked me something which, he admitted later on, had been bothering him alot.

him: 'what is love?'
me: 'huh?'. (At this point, my overactive mind started firing up rhetorical questions like 'do you think i don't love you?', 'do you not love me?' blah blah)
him: 'as a stranger, not your husband or friend, tell me, what's love? Describe the feeling'
me: well if i can use John Gray's explanation, its a feeling where you're willing to give more than you take and are not concerned about keeping score.
him: isn't that what islam tells us too? To give charity and to be nice and be polite and to go out of your way etc without keeping an account of what u do.
me: yup. because the moment you start competing on how much u did or how little the other did, ill feelings sprout.
him: i hate that competition. i dont want you to have it either. you can never do enough. it's like charity, the moment you start thinking you've given alot, you stop giving. or the moment you do more because the other person has done more, your act is zeroed (nullified) coz your intention isn't for Allah anymore.

Imo, for those of you who don't know him, is a very mild, fun loving natured person. He is known amongst his friends to be a phonecall away for anything they need and he'd do it without a complaint - often times driving 60-70kms across town past midnight just to lend a shoulder to his friend. His mum and dad are both like that too - they dont look for their own benefit in doing someone a favor, they just help, going way out of their way and its a quality im glad Imo inherited.

Ever since we got married, he's stopped being 'there' all the time with his friends but is still known to be a crunch time player when needed. I'm partly at fault for that. Sometimes I'd be like 'so and so makes such a big deal of driving an extra 5 mins to come an extra two traffic lights to help you out, why would you go 45mins or an hour out of your way for them?'. And, much to my chagrin, he'd shake it off with a scorn that spelt out 'you're obnoxious!'. I'd always assume that he doesn't give me priority and puts everyone and everything before me.

Last night, we discussed how its a flaw in our personality to actually sit back and think twice about what we get out of doing something or how much should we do. Because the moment we start accounting these things, conflicts spring. I think the best advice my mum gave me when I got married was to have no expectations from anyone but Allah. Somewhere along the last four years, I mis-applied it. But I see it so (and i mean SOOO) clearly now. If my intention is to expect my reward from Allah alone, I won't expect any favors in return from that person nor would i contemplate how good or bad the person is, or whether or not he/she is deserving of this favor because the return of my reward is not from any human, but by Allah alone.

Allah mentions in Surah Rahman(one of my fave surahs with three of my favourite ayahs) somewhere along verse 48-54(i cant remember exactly which one it is): Is there any reward for good, other than good? Notice how Allah swt doesnt say that the person I do good for, will do good in return for me. Instead, Allah swt has taken it into His account by promising me good in return for my good deeds. Infact He's eased my burdens by keeping the calculations and judging for Himself. And accepting that He is Just, I know He will justify my deeds accordingly.

How and where my return and reward comes from is with Him, all i have to do is keep on doing good deeds.

For enough is never enough.